This is the quotes page. No particular order, no particular theme, just quotes I like.

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Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean that they aren't out to get me.

-- Douglas Adams
I tell people there are really only three things in life you have total control of: Who you marry, where you will spend eternity and who you draft on draft day.

-- Rod Miller
IN THE SCHOOL of Political Projectors I was but ill entertained, the Professors appearing in my Judgment wholly out of their Senses, which is a Scene that never fails to make me melancholy. These unhappy People were proposing Schemes for persuading Monarchs to chuse Favourites upon the Score of their Wisdom, Capacity, and Virtue; of teaching Ministers to consult the Publick Good; of rewarding Merit, great Abilities, eminent Services; of instructing Princes to know their true Interest by placing it on the same Foundation with that of their People: Of chusing for Employments Persons qualified to exercise them; with many other wild impossible Chimaeras, that never entred before into the heart of Man to conceive, and confirmed in me the old Observation, that there is nothing so extravagant and irrational which some Philosophers have not maintained for Truth.

-- Jonathan Swift, Gulliver's Travels
You have clearly proved that Ignorance, Idleness, and Vice may be sometimes the only Ingredients for qualifying a Legislator: That Laws are best explained, interpreted, and applied by those whose Interest and Abilities lie in perverting, confounding, and eluding them.

-- Jonathan Swift, Gulliver's Travels
It doth not appear from all you have said, how any one Virtue is required towards the Procurement of any one Station among you, much less that Men are ennobled on Account of their Virtue, that Priests are advanced for their Piety or Learning, Soldiers for their Conduct or Valour, Judges for their Integrity, Senators for the Love of their Country, or Counsellors for their Wisdom.

-- Jonathan Swift, Gulliver's Travels
The same people who accuse America of coddling dictators are sputtering with bilious fury because we actually deposed one.

-- James Lileks
If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

-- Zaphod Beeblebrox (Douglas Adams)
In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were REAL men, women were REAL women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.

-- The Hitchhiker's Guide (Douglas Adams)
I teleported home one night
With Ron and Sid and Meg.
Ron stole Meggie's heart away
And I got Sidney's leg.

-- Douglas Adams
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

-- Douglas Adams
As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

-- Mr. Carlson, WKRP in Cincinnati
I love work, I could sit and watch it all day.

-- no idea. Google doesn't seem to know, either.
How I love to watch the morn
with golden sun that shines,
up above to nicely warm
these frosty toes of mine

The wind doth taste of bittersweet,
Like jasper wine and sugar.
I bet it's blown through others' feet,
like those of...
(pause) Caspar Weinberger.

-- Opus (Berkeley Breathed)
Nazis. I hate these guys.

-- Indiana Jones
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

-- Pink Floyd (Roger Waters), Time, Dark Side of the Moon
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

-- Pink Floyd (Roger Waters), Time, Dark Side of the Moon
I've often speculated on why you don't return to America. Did you abscond with the church funds? Did you run off with a senator's wife? I like to think you killed a man, it's the romantic in in me.

-- Captain Reynault (Rains) to Rick (Bogart), Casablanca
In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments - there are consequences.

-- Robert Green Ingersoll, per Jake Waudby
Did a large procession wave their (Did a)
Torches as my head fell in the basket, (large pro-)
And was everybody dancing on the casket? (cession dance?)

Now it's over I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want (now it's over)
Or, I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do

-- They Might Be Giants, Dead
I was working all night in my office
When a man I had recently killed
Called me up from a phone near my building
So I looked out the window at him
He had the same obsequious manner
That was the reason I had him killed
So to calm my nerves I sang this song
To him, over the phone

-- They Might Be Giants, Turn Around
If I go insane, please don't put your wires in my brain.

-- Pink Floyd, If
Americans are always embarrassed about the subject of the big money paid to professional athletes because, at heart, we know they're paid that because it reflects how much more we care about them than the things we say are more important.

-- Allan Barra
Now comes the part where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives.

-- The Joker, Batman (1989)
I was looking for a job and then I found a job
and Heaven knows I'm miserable now

-- The Smiths, Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now
Law in its sanctions is not coextensive with morality.

--Goodwin v. Agassiz, 186 N.E. 659, 661
Against a large part of the frictions and irritations and clashing of temperaments incident to participation in a community life, a certain toughening of the mental hide is a better protection than the law ever could be.

-- Judge Magruder
I don't care about pollution
I'm an air conditioned gypsy
That's my solution
Watch the police and the taxman miss me I'm Mobile!

-- The Who (Pete Townshend), Going Mobile, Who's Next
Informal networks, such as the computer software manufacturers, have inchoate ethical standards.

-- Robert D. Cooter
One of the sad things about aging is that one's fantasies shift from sex to real estate.

-- Phil Greenspun
[I]f you think that the main problems afflicting America are how white people feel about black skin and how to keep high-paying blue collar jobs in the greater Chicago area, Obama is definitely your candidate.

-- Phil Greenspun
ASK most doctors what type of surgery they hate to do the most, and they will say "to cut a person's head off."

-- Phillipe, Achewood
Like I said, you have a really selfish idea of how to die from helicopters!

-- Ray, to Lyle, Achewood
Beef: Man how come women don't rule the world
Ray: 'Cause they care how their [poop] smells.

-- Achewood
I truly believe that there is somebody out there for everyone . . . just standing there . . . waiting for the house to go dark . . .

-- Philippe, Achewood
One of the King Georges of England -- I forget which -- once said that a certain number of hours' sleep each night -- I cannot recall at the moment how many -- made a man something, which for the time being has slipped my memory.

-- P.G. Wodehouse, in Something New
If you are a millionaire beset by blackmailers or anyone else to whose comfort the best legal advice is essential, and have decided to put your affairs in the hands of the ablest and discreetest firm in London, you proceed through a dark and grimy entry and up a dark and grimy flight of stairs; and, having felt your way along a dark and grimy passage, you come at length to a dark and grimy door. There is plenty of dirt in other parts of Ridgeway's Inn, but nowhere is it so plentiful, so rich in alluvial deposits, as on the exterior of the offices of Marlowe, Thorpe, Prescott, Winslow and Appleby. As you tap on the topmost of the geological strata concealing the ground-glass of the door, a sense of relief and security floods your being. For in London grubbiness is the gauge of a lawyer's respectability.

-- P.G. Wodehouse, Three Men and a Maid
Billie knew all. And, terrible though the fact is as an indictment of the male sex, when a woman knows all, there is invariably trouble ahead for some man.

-- P.G. Wodehouse, Three Men and a Maid
A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour.

-- P.G. Wodehouse, Uneasy Money
No one so dislikes being punished unjustly as the person who might have been punished justly on scores of previous occasions, if he had only been found out.

-- P.G. Wodehouse, Tales of St. Andrews
The High Street was full of farmers, cows, and other animals, the majority of the former well on the road to intoxication. It is, of course, extremely painful to see a man in such a condition, but when such a person in endeavouring to count a perpetually moving drove of pigs, the onlooker's pain is sensibly diminished.

-- P.G. Wodehouse, Tales of St. Andrews
Deep down in his heart the genuine Englishman has a rugged distaste for seeing his country invaded by a foreign army. People were asking themselves by what right these aliens had overrun British soil. An ever-growing feeling of annoyance had begun to lay hold of the nation.

-- P.G. Wodehouse, The Swoop
A girl who bonnets a policeman with an ashcan full of bottles is obviously good wife-and-mother timber.

-- P.G. Wodehouse, The Plot that Thickened
A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

-- Lazarus Long (Robert A. Heinlein), Time Enough for Love
It wasn't that he was unhelpful, but he had the kind of vague, cheerful helpfulness that serious men soon learn to dread. There was something infectious, possibly even fatal, about it.

-- Terry Pratchett, Mort